Do you remember the first time your thighs were left trembling from sex? What about the first time you felt that hot jolt of currents pulsate throughout your entire body from climaxing? While some of us might have been blessed to experience these things in our early days, it took some time and practice for others.
Learning how to have good sex is a lot like learning how to ride a bike.
At first, you’re not that great at it. But after some time, and maybe a couple falls, you’re pedaling your ass off and popping wheelies down the street. Like riding a bike once was, sex can be a challenge, and like all challenges, the feeling of accomplishment you get from conquering it is like swimming in a pool of ecstasy. Some would even call it orgasmic.
So to celebrate our never-ending quest for great sex, and sex that is even better than that, we decided to start a blog series talking about some of the sexual mishaps you all have endured on your journeys. Some of the stories we share are sad, some funny, some outrageous, erotic, psychotic, and downright naughty. But I know your dirty minds will love them all the same.
This week we bring you Nadia*, and her weekday mishap involving what used to be her favorite food…
*All names have been changed*
If there ever was more of a normal day, this was it. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I finished class for the day and was doing what I usually do – buying things I don’t need on Amazon. I was particularly focused on the clock because I was expecting my boyfriend of the time to be home soon, and I had been feeling super horny pretty much all day. Also, I was kind of pissed off that it was a Tuesday and I had SO much work to do. Who knew frustration could make your pussy wet?
I had been dating him for about 3 months at that point, and our sex had definitely been getting a lot better. I wasn’t cumming every time, but he was definitely putting in work and showing that he wanted to make an effort. He had my approval. Plus, I was really into him. Until this little Tuesday afternoon incident happened…
Once he had gotten home I basically jumped his bones. Didn’t even ask him how his day was or let him put down his bag. He didn’t seem to mind it, plus, I thought this wasn’t so bad of a welcome home hello, was it? We were making out in the kitchen and he lifted me up on the counter. His shirt was off the same time my pants were, and then vice-versa. He started fingering me and at first it was great, and I knew we were about to have some really hot, sweaty, kitchen sex, but then I started to feel a burn… A BURNING IN AND AROUND MY VAGINA. The pain was unreal and was getting worse by the second, so I immediately pushed him off and ran to the bathroom.
Something I forgot to mention to you was that my boyfriend worked at a restaurant as a line cook. A Mexican restaurant. Where they cook with peppers and jalapenos. Where they cut peppers and jalapenos. WHERE MY BOYFRIEND CUT PEPPERS AND JALAPENOS.
This asshole was at work all day chopping up spicy ass peppers and came home and gave me what you can only describe as a fiery finger banging from hell. Nothing like a nice, authentic, Mexican dish to make your pussy wet! Does he not know how to wash his hands properly? Do these cooks not wear gloves??? So many unanswered questions. But at the time, my only concern was preventing my vagina from bursting into flames.
My boyfriend, who I believe knew immediately what he had done, grabbed a gallon of milk and met me in the bathroom where I was splashing sink water on my vagina. After instructing me to lay down in the bathtub with my legs spread open, he proceeded to pour the milk onto, and all over my lower region. I can only imagine how cute I looked.
Thinking back to it, I wonder why I didn’t question this whole plan of action as anyone who was as clueless as I was to his peppery laced fingertips would not think of this route. But like I said, my main concern was escaping this soul-scraping encounter.
After a bath and two and a half popsicles (I’ll spare the details), I decided that my embarrassment shouldn’t be shared just between myself and my boyfriend, and we should go see what the people at the hospital have to think about my ordeal! Keep in mind I still had no idea that it was Mr. Red Hot Chilli Fingers that caused the issue. I thought that it was some terrible disorder or bodily malfunction that was triggered by him fingering me, so I was also freaking out with that.
After explaining to the nurse at the front what was going on, I proceeded to the hospital waiting room where I sat patiently on my bag of frozen peas as everyone around me drew their conclusions as to what had happened.
After this whole experience our relationship kind of went downhill. It could’ve been that I was graduating soon, but then again this memorable experience didn’t necessarily add any spice to our love life. Since then, I am happy to say I am a single girl in the working world exploring the realms of vaginal stimulation with guys I deem up to the task.
My advice to you all is not to get discouraged by mistakes you make or accidents that happen in your love life, but to look at them as growing points. Heavenly levels of sexual pleasure do exist, and they are attainable! You just have to keep working.
Oh yea, and date hockey players. They wear gloves 🙂