A life fueled by desire, passion, fire, and heat is dripping wet.
I moved from a stale life to a sublime existence. A life of shoulds and should nots. Do’s and don’ts. Sin and damnation. A fucking cage of social constructs. The prison of my own mind. So I decided to break free, chase my passions, and ignore mainstream solicitations.
But let’s start from the beginning.
I remember my rebel heart as a child. My cravings for freedom and independence. Squelched and shut down, being told to act a certain way. So I shut my mouth, put on a poker face to coexist in peace, and was molded into something that was acceptable to those around me. I pushed my essence and a big part of who I was into the shadowy recesses of my brain.
I forgot about her.
I learned the “right way” to speak and I “talked the talk”. But it wasn’t me. It was my voice but they weren’t my words. When my desires surfaced, I shut them down.
I hid her.
So no one could see, so no one would know the rampaging conflict that my body was enduring. I walked in a shell of inauthentic existence that constantly chipped away at my being.
I began searching for help. But all of the modalities available were only temporary highs, fluttering away before I could wrap my fingers around them. Nothing set me free. I realized I had to change the neural pathways of my brain. But the problem was I didn’t even know what change I wanted to make. I only knew that I was miserable and I would try anything.
Then the day came when I found Tantra, and although I didn’t know it, that would be a turning point for the rest of my life. I began to seed worthiness into my unconscious brain and healed my core wounding.
I learned to love myself.
What resulted was a cultivation of safety and belonging. I committed to stand up for myself and finally found the voice that was buried inside of me, hidden, but intact.
For the first time since I was a baby, I would scream my head off. I unleashed the rage that for most of my life was locked deep away. And I found relief in my anger and pleasure in my grief. It was a healing process that restored my core essence.
The next step was letting pleasure take over my life completely and entirely. I said yes to my natural inhibitions and for the first time in a while, I experienced wholeness in my body and unity in my mind. Pleasure became my true north.
This is my carnal constitution.